"Beach House" by James Patterson & Peter De Jonge

Jack Mullen is a law student who returns home to Montauk, near East Hampton, only to find that his younger brother Peter has been brutally beaten to death. However, the police - led by Det. Frank Volpi - refuse to see it as anything other than an accidental drowning. Jack, his family, his friends and the wider community are all outraged. When they start their own investigation into the truth, they start getting followed, find themselves out of work and even threatened with death.

Jack is certain that Peter's involvement in the wealthy world of the rich East Hampton folk (albeit as a valet) somehow lead to his death and that their endless wealth is making sure that justice isn't done. Jack himself has links to that world through his girlfriend Dana Neubauer, the daughter of Barry and Campion Neubauer, one of the wealthiest and most powerful couples in society. However, Dana is quite the sweetie-pie she initially appeared to be.

When Jack discovers that Peter had money in his account far more than what you would expect from a valet, his suspicions are outright confirmed. His fight for truth and justice only brings on an even more intense defence from the Neubauers, forcing him and his friends to take drastic action.

Back in 2002, it would seem that James Patterson wasn't writing absolute crap. These days I've come to accept him as a guilty pleasure - his books have zero depth but they move quickly and can be quite enjoyable. I've particularly liked "The Quickie" and "Now You See Her". However, "Beach House" has a more consistent plot than what you'd find in one of Patterson's current thrillers. It doesn't stray into ridiculous sub-plots or scenarios - until the final quarter, I guess. But even the silliness of the concluding chapters can't detract from this being exactly what the book cover describes it as - a summer read involving wealth, betrayal, sex and murder.

Of course, this is commercial, cheesy and manipulative as hell. I wanted to applaud the heroes and boo and hiss at the villians. The characters are all pretty one-dimensional, but what can I say? I like heroes like Jack Mullen who are honest, down-to-Earth and want to see justice done. No whiny heroines or stoic alpha-males, no world-weary cops or cluey forensic investigators. It's something of a worry that a James Patterson novel could be less cliched than most thrillers out there.

It was a fun read. Trashy, but fun. I sometimes think a lot of authors are so intent on being accurate with procedure and science of crime investigation, or legal aspects, that they forget to inject the fun. They're so often just going through the motions. Even if Patterson and his co-authors are delivering a bit of nonsense, at least they're trying to give you a bit of a buzz too. After a glut of procedural-laden by-the-numbers thrillers with exceptionally irritating main characters, "Beach House" was a welcome, if silly, change.  

"The Watcher" by Grace Monroe

A serial killer dubbed The Edinburgh Ripper is killing red-haired prostitutes and removing their hands and feet. One victim is found with the message "More Will Die" written on her body in lipstick.

American tourist Thomas Foster is arrested for the crimes, and his obscenely rich father organises Brodie McLennan to be his lawyer. Brodie is certain that Thomas is innocent, but Detective Inspector Duncan Bancho is equally certain of his guilt. The two frequently clash over their opinions.

Little does Brodie know, but somebody is watching her. Since she has red hair herself, it appears she could be a target. And so could her thirteen-year-old half-sister Connie.

I don't know why I'm revealing less here than the plot description on the back of the book. The book happily states that Connie is kidnapped by the killer, but this doesn't actually happen until the 200-page mark, whilst the novel falls short of 400 pages. So, yes, half the book is mostly filler until the "big" event occurs. The book description also mentions Eastern European human traffickers and a "depraved" Internet chat room, but both of those elements are touched upon quite infrequently.

"The Watcher" was a really terrible book. It was badly written. Character actions rarely made sense. Why was everybody always slamming each other up against walls? I particularly disliked the character of Brodie. She was a strident, holier-than-thou pain in the ass. If a serial killer is breaking into your home, leaving you messages, making all sorts of personal contact, you call the police, don't you? Not Brodie. She thinks the police will only make it worse because she doesn't like Duncan. Of course, she's the only one who can handle the situation. That must be why she has a complete breakdown. Ugh. I wanted to reach into the pages of the book and throttle her. I really detested her.

There are a couple of creepy moments, but these are undermined by the ending in which (SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER) The Watcher is revealed to not really be a killer at all and kidnapped Connie to protect her from the real killer. I'm sure there are better ways to protect a person than breaking the law and making the family members go through hell. Especially since Brodie and her extended family have connections to POWERFUL, SCARY MEMBERS OF THE CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD FOR F***'S SAKE! Maybe a quick anonymous phone call to say "Hey, head's up, but I think Connie could be in danger. Get your criminal underworld mates who love her dearly to keep an extra eye on her, huh?" END OF SPOILER END OF SPOILER END OF SPOILER.

Slow-paced, unlikeable characters and non-sensical plotting. It's not hard to see why this series ended after the next book (this one was the third). Although how even four entries saw the light of day is hard to understand.

"The Playroom" by Gloria Murphy

Victoria Louise is a beautiful woman who has just moved into a house in the town of Bradley. Little does anyone realise is that Victoria is really Rosalie Salino, the former occupant of the house, who used to be a fat, unpopular high school student. Plastic surgery has transformed her into a stunning sexpot, but she's unfortunately just a teensy bit psychotic as well. She still hasn't recovered from the tortures visited upon her during her high school years, and has developed a very special plan of revenge.

She hires Rusty Erlich to do up her house's playroom. Rusty is the one boy Victoria/Rosalie loved, and he wasn't as much of an asshole as the rest of his friends, so she spends a lot of time trying to seduce him, but he only has eyes for Rae Lemkin, another girl from high school he never really knew existed. When she isn't busy coming on to Rusty, Victoria is tracking down the remaining high school folk who bullied her, luring to them house under false pretenses, drugging them and tying them up in a separate room of the house. Once the playroom is finished, Victoria has a major party for everybody planned.

Ahhh, the treasures you can pick up at an Op Shop for 50c! I really enjoyed "The Playroom". It reminded me very much of some lost 80's movie classic rendered obsolete by the advent of DVD. Although marketed as a horror tale, this one is more of a psychological thriller. There's no sex and very limited violence. Rather, it provides a long, tasty build-up to the 'party' that Victoria has planned for everybody. As for Victoria, although she's a complete loony, she's strangely sympathetic. This kept me involved in the story. I also liked Rusty. Sure, he stood back and let the bullying happen as a high school student, but he felt bad about it, and never participated. Thankfully, he never lets his guilt make him a martyr.

"The Playroom" has just enough nastiness to give it an edge without making the proceedings unpleasant. While I did get annoyed with the sudden introduction of a character called Sally late in the novel (why did we spend so much time with her?), it was not enough to take me out of the book. This is a well-crafted suspense tale, and while a thorougly B-grade affair, it's a damn good one. It wasn't until I was doing a little research on the Internet that I found out Gloria Murphy authored the novel "A Whisper In The Attic", about a psychotic child, a book which I read a couple of years ago and really enjoyed as well.

I'll definitely be doing what I can to check out more of her work.

"Catch Your Death" by Louise Voss & Mark Edwards

Sixteen years ago, Kate Maddox was a volunteer at the Cold Research Unit, where she met and fell in love with Dr. Stephen Wilson. However, her stay ended when the research centre burnt down and Stephen was killed. She has virtually no memories of her time at the centre, and eventually went to live and study in America.

In the present day, Kate has fled to England with her son Jack to escape from her controlling, overbearing exhusband, Vernon. Unexpectedly, she runs into Stephen's twin brother Paul Wilson, who has a letter from his dead brother that he doesn't understand. Suspecting that something sinister must have happened all that time ago, they team up to uncover the truth.

Unfortunately, Dr. Clive Gaunt from the centre, and his cronies, have kept their eye on Kate all this time and aren't happy she's back in England. He immediately sends out his psychopathic lackey John Sampson to do away with Kate. That proves more difficult than expected because John has lustful feelings towards Kate. Complicating matters is Vernon, who has tracked Kate down to England to get his son back.

I'm not sure what it was about "Catch Your Death" that just didn't work. Maybe it was the badly drawn characters. Maybe it was the simplistic, unexciting conspiracy being uncovered. It certainly moved along at a good pace, but I never found the proceedings particularly enthralling. I was able to put it down for several days at a time and to be truly honest, had to force myself to finish it.

The book's biggest liability is the main character of Kate, unfortunately. She's one of the more stroppy protagonists I've come across in thriller fiction. The authors frequently use the word "wail" to describe the state of her dialogue. She worries constantly about being a bad mother - and for good reason, really, because she is. She goes on and on about keeping Jack away from Vernon, but the book never adequately explains why he's such a monster father. Sure he's an arrogant, unlikeable hothead who controlled Kate's life and cheated on her during their marriage, but he does seem to love his son. Running off to England with him because she's sure she won't gain custody is akin to kidnapping and very selfish. Then, despite having all manner of dangerous people on her tail, dumps Jack in the care of her sister, as she feels he would get bored traipsing around the country with her. Plus, she wants to jump Paul's bones.

Not that taking Jack out of the story is such a bad thing. He's an annoying brat. All the characters remark about what a well-behaved boy he is, but they must have been reading another book. All he did was whinge and be a pain in the ass. I know that's probably what young kids are like in real life, but I sure didn't enjoy reading about his snotty behaviour.

I enjoy a good "deadly virus" conspiracy thriller, but this one fails to deliver. There's no decent motive behind Dr. Gaunt's actions, and the narrative is mostly a routine chase story until a deadly virus is introduced in the later part of the book, and the unexciting truth about Kate's stay at the Cold Research Centre is revealed. I thought to myself: "That's it?" The plot for "Catch Your Death" didn't reach the feverish pitch it needed, and the characters left me cold.

"Beyond Fear" by Jaye Ford

Jodie Cramer and her friends Hannah, Louise and Corrine head off to an isolated B & B near Bald Hill for their annual getaway. Jodie is the organiser this time, and isn't too happy when the weekend starts off with a near car-crash, stranding them on the road at night. The incident also seems to trigger memories of an attack she suffered as a teenager, in which her friend was raped and murdered by three men, and Jodie herself stabbed six times whilst escaping.

With the help of haunted ex-cop Matt Wisemore, the women eventually make it to the cabin, but Jodie is now totally paranoid. She thinks two men who stop past the cabin are there for nefarious purposes. She sees two flashlights roaming the grounds at night. She hears a car make two laps of the cabin around 3am. When she airs her fears to her friends, they believe she is overreacting and heading towards a breakdown.

But they should have listened! When Kane and Travis Anderson stop by for a seemingly innocent visit, events quickly spiral out of control and the four women - plus Matt - must try and survive a night of violence.

Think light torture-porn meets your typical romantic suspense novel and you get some idea of the uncomfortable melding of genres that is "Beyond Fear". Matt is straight out of central casting, an alpha male haunted by his inability to save innocent lives during a hostage situation, and wary of getting involved in anything that might require innocent people to depend on him. Jodie is a too-stupid-to-live heroine haunted by a long-ago attack after which she vows she would never leave people behind again. They carry on and on about their respective issues to the point of martyrdom. Jodie in particular is so focused on saving her friends that she probably does them a disservice. She states at one point that she can't leave them behind because she could never live with herself if she did. So, really, it's all about her.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

One of the women does eventually manage to ecape and run away. And she calls the cops. An act that you would expect any rational person to do. Except stubborn, selfish Jodie, apparently. No, she can't leave people behind, she can't live with the possible consequences of that decision. Well, boo hoo. How about making the decision that would best serve everybody? Ugh, it really made my blood boil.

END SPOILER END SPOILER END SPOILER

Light torture-porn is probably being a bit harsh, but the women do get knocked around a fair bit. The novel also holds the threat of rape over the reader as a rather heavy-handed way of creating suspense. And, to be fair, there are some suspenseful scenarios, but not enough of them. The novel danced around the various possibilities of taking the violence further, but always backed away. It's hard to say whether this is a good thing: the book could have done with being grittier, but then it might not be so enjoyable. I think the author might have taken the less difficult route. In the hands of Karin Slaughter, for example, I imagine things would have gotten very rough.

Jodie's unfortunate unlikeability meant that my sympathy eventually lay with Corrine, Hannah and Louise, so I was fearful for their safety, and this was the source of much of the suspense. There wasn't as much guarantee they would necessarily make it to the end in one piece. However, their characters are pretty much abandoned in the final act so we can watch Jodie and Matt develop feelings for one another whilst playing Rambo.

The other element that really irked me was that if Jodie was so paranoid about safety and not being placed in vulnerable situations, what on Earth was she doing organising a getaway in an isolated cabin? She mentions she didn't think it would be that isolated when looking at the cabin's website, but why risk something even slightly isolated in the first place? Why not a nice luxury resort with lots of people around? I know there wouldn't have been a book if they went to the Hilton, but Jodie really lays the safety lessons on thick. Even though I knew (because I was the reader) that Jodie was right to be worried, I was just as annoyed at her as her friends were.

I appreciated what "Beyond Fear" was trying to do. The set-up was suspenseful, but the execution didn't pull it off. Instead of a tense, unsettling home-invasion thriller, I got a tentative mix between gritty thriller and romantic suspense novel. It didn't quite gel.

"Covet" by Tara Moss

Makedde Vanderwall is studying to become a forensic psychologist, but supports herself through work as a model. She has to return to Australia for the trial of Ed Brown, the sadistic serial killer who nearly made her his final victim. This also brings her into proximity with Andy Flynn, the detective she became involved with during Ed Brown's killing spree.

Before the trial can even go ahead, Ed Brown unexpectedly changes his plea to guilty. Everybody believes this means they can put the past behind them. Little do they know, Ed has seduced Suzie Harpin, a guard at the facility he was being kept. Together they have arranged his escape during an organised visit to a crime scene in which he claims one of his victims can be found. His escape severely injures several police officers.

After learning of Ed Brown's escape, Makedde decides to take off to Hong Kong for a modelling assignment. Suzie, who has murdered her own brother so that she and Ed can live together in her brother's house, isn't too happy when Ed insists on dragging her along to Hong Kong so that he can finally finish what he started with Makedde.

"Covet" is a direct sequel to "Fetish", which I have read. It was a generic but readable serial killer thriller, if not particularly memorable. The follow-up "Split" was a much more accomplished and suspenseful novel, despite the familiar plot-line. Unfortunately, any promise in her previous novels is absent for this plodding, so-called thriller. The narrative holds zero surprises, and the proceedings have absolutely no suspense. Ed Brown's escape, supposedly the driving force behind this sequel, doesn't even happen until about half-way through the book. Up until that point, it's mostly taken up with some tawdry sex scenes, emotional soap-opera style ups-and-downs regarding Makkede and Andy's relationship, and Ed Brown repeatedly saying to himself I'm coming for you Makkede, like something out of a really bad Lisa Jackson novel. After the fifth chapter in which he says this, I'd had more than enough.

It really only got worse from there. The remainder of the book is just in a holding pattern until a rushed climax. Ed Brown continues to promise Makkede he's coming for her. Makkede keeps reassuring herself that everything is fine and Ed Brown isn't in Hong Kong. Realistically speaking, if she wants to hide from a sadistic serial killer who's obsessed with her, taking a high-profile modelling job in Hong Kong isn't the best way to go about it.

Strangely enough, although Makkede is deeply traumatised by her previous experiences at the mercy of Ed Brown, there is nary a mention of the turmoil she experienced in "Split". Actually, there's one reference, but Makkede shuts the enquirer down with the explanation that it's a no-go zone. Why is it a  no-go zone? Is being at the mercy of a killer who hunts women for sport somehow less traumatic than a killer who cuts off toes? Or more?

I actually really wanted to like "Covet" not only based on the fact that the previous books demonstrated an author who was only getting better, but also because if you see Tara Moss on television you'll see an extremely attractive (she was a model herself) and intelligent person. I guess I expected more than a one-note plotline with soapy overtones and zero - and I do mean zero - plot twists.

"Skin And Bone" by Kathryn Fox

Detective Kate Farrer has just returned to work after suffering a traumatic experience in her previous case. It's not long before she's called to a crime scene with new partner Detective Oliver Parke, in which the burnt body of a woman has been discovered in a house fire. Investigations soon reveal that she was killed before being burnt, likely through a blow to the head.

Even more work gets thrown on her plate when her boss asks the duo to investigate the apparent disappearance of Candice Penfold. Her parents Robert and Janine are fairly certain that her former school coach Mark Dobbie might have something to do with it, as he was apparently obsessed with Candice's prettier, smarter older sister Lesley. When Candice's car is discovered with blood in the backseat, things are not looking good.

The more Kate and Oliver investigate, the more links they uncover between the two cases, as Kate struggles to come to terms with her past horrors.

I wish there had been a little more detail as to what horrors Kate experienced when she was kidnapped by a killer, presumably in the previous book. The book makes various references to it here and there, but I guess doesn't want to ruin the end of the previous book for those who haven't read it, and therefore remains frustratingly vague about the torment Kate suffered. Since Kate is such an insolent, immature and narky pain-in-the-ass for much of the novel, a bit more detail about her trauma would have gone a long way towards me being more tolerable of her tiresome attitude and behaviour.

Although "Skin And Bone" is an efficiently plotted and decently written thriller, there is absolutely nothing here to elevate it above your standard police procedural. The attempts to build mystery around the character of Oliver - is he a good guy or a bad guy - are pretty feeble and see-through. And since Kate doesn't think highly of anybody - seriously, she doesn't have a positive thing to say about anything - her opinion of Oliver doesn't exactly count for much. He could feed a thousand people with a small piece of bread and she would likely just roll her eyes and call him a show-off.

Another irritating element, though minor, was Kate's continual pining for Bobby, apparently a boyfriend of hers who died ten years ago. I know we need characters to come with a little baggage, but Kate's inability to get past the loss of her teenage love suggests a woman who, well, refuses to grow up. Which is more than evident in the immature manner she constantly displays to everybody.

Like I said, this is a police procedural through and through. It's not the worst of its kind - far from it - but as it stands is so generic that in two months I'll likely forget I even read it.