Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm not smarter than a 5th grader

Last night I was watching "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?", despite the fact I totally loathe Rove McManus. And while I'm not smarter than a 5th grader, I'm certainly smarter than the dumbasses who are contestants. And at least if any 5th grader tries to mock me because I'm dumber than them, I'm certainly a lot bigger than them and can knock them flat on their precocious little asses.

In any case, while trying to restrain myself from throwing something at the TV screen every time some lame joke dropped from Rove's mouth and feeling sorry for poor Dylan (one of the 5th graders), who never seems to get picked, I noticed just how creepy one of the 5th graders, Lilly, was. She's always got this massive smile plastered on her face. But not a happy smile. More the smile you'd expect to see on the face of a child who has just set their house on fire with the rest of the family still inside. It's really disturbing.

But it made me think that the show would be much more entertaining if it were re-named "Are You Smarter Than The Children Of The Corn?". So, instead of some dimwitted "celebrity" swimmer dropping out at the $10 000 point with all that cash to give to their charity, they instead suffered some gruesome fate at the hands of the demonic corn children. In particular, there's a scene in "Children Of The Corn II: The Final Sacrifice" where the cult leader takes his wooden voodoo statue into church and makes one of the church members suffer the most disgusting nosebleed you're ever likely to see. Witnessing something like that would make it much more easier to sit through Rove's dire attempts at comedy. Seriously, does he have a picture hidden away of Channel 10's executive getting down and dirty with a goat? Why is he still on television?

And if you don't know what I'm going on about when I talk of the "Children Of The Corn", shame on you. Part 1 came out in 1984 with Linda Hamilton! Part 2 came out in 1993. Part 3 was the film debut of Charlize Theron (she gets dragged underground by some stop-motion monster). Part 4 gave an early lead role to Naomi Watts and co-starred Karen Black. Part 5 was the film debut of Eva Mendes, and in my opinion the best one in the series! Part 6 was shit, but it did co-star Nancy Allen. I haven't seen Part 7, so shame on me. Luckily, a made-for-TV remake of the original is on its way very shortly.

1 comment:

  1. hee hee. I feel like printing this out and sending it to Channel 10. Thank Christ for Foxtel.