So I hired "Shark Swarm" the other day. It was actually on TV a couple of months ago but it was a Friday night and I was lured by the weekly prospect of after-work drinks and missed it.
It stars Daryl Hannah and John Schneider as a married couple, and Armand Assante as the developer about to set the town flush with cash, except it means they lose their business....or something. Because, truth be told, I only got half-way through this one. Partly because it was awful, partly because the crappy DVD player I'm using at the moment doesn't have any buttons that let me toggle down on the menu and select "Feature: Part 2" (I have no idea where the remote control is, the DVD player actually belongs to my sister and I really, really miss my old multi-region DVD player that broke down beyond repair after ten years of faithful service).
Anyways, I could slap the movie into my laptop and watch the second part of it that way. But I don't think it's worth the effort. This one's really dire. For the first 75 odd minutes (it's a long movie), the main characters chat and chat and chat. Meanwhile, ancillary character after ancillary character get munched. Every five minutes there's some character we've only just met taking a swim and becoming breakfast, lunch or dinner. But it all gets soooooo repetitive. Swimmer sees swarm of very fake-looking CGI sharks coming towards them. Cut to actor or actress thrashing about in the water. Followed by a bit of blood. We don't see any actual chewing of humans by sharks.
The thing is, I love shark movies. Granted, I think most of the "Jaws" movies suck, besides "Jaws 2", which is great. Love the bit where Sheriff Brody and co. find poor Tina, who's just witnessed her boyfriend being dragged underwater, huddled in her boat. After some coaxing, they're rewarded with the explanatory cry of "Sssssshhhhhhhaaaaaarrrrrrkkkkkk!!!" Classic. And "Deep Blue Sea" is a favourite. Oh, and "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" is unforgettable stuff as it contains the jaw-dropping dialogue exchange where the hero says to the heroine: "Now how about I take you home and eat your p***y?" No, really. I've got it on DVD if you don't believe me. Lots of bad shark movies out there, but usually even the bad ones are loaded with some sort of entertainment value.
I don't know why I love shark movies. I'm not scared of them. I won't step foot in any type of water where I can't clearly see the bottom for miles around. When my membership is recalled, it won't be by a shark, I can guarantee.
So "Shark Swarm" was an extreme letdown. I don't know how it ends, and I don't care. The only frightening thing about it was John Schneider's haircut and Daryl Hannah's face.