"Saw V" is a hack job

I always hire the latest "Saw" movie when it comes out and I don't know why, because I don't really think that much of them. I'll watch it once then not think about it again - until the next one comes out. And that's something of a problem because the filmmakers rely on your knowledge of each film to provide the twists for the next one. But there are no real twists to be found in "Saw V", which I watched on DVD last night. Most of it consists of an FBI agent trying to prove that another FBI agent is continuing to carry on the work of serial killer Jigsaw. Not exactly riveting. Every now and then we jump back to five people who have woken up in one of Jigsaw's apprentice's traps. We never get to know these people before they're hideously tortured and murdered, so we don't much care about their fates. And the main storyline desperately tries to convince us it's exciting and shocking as the good FBI agent uncovers "clues" and mutters such things as "we were all meant to die" amidst flashbacks as to how Jigsaw drew the other FBI agent into his web. Basically, this series can go back and rewrite history a dozen times to ensure that further sequels will follow. But Jigsaw himself died two films ago and was graphically autopsied in part IV, so there's no way they can bring him back, and to simply say "surprise! There's ANOTHER apprentice!" is just convoluted and stupid. I'll take a direct-to-DVD horror sequel to this junk any day.

The other movie I watched was "Somebody Help Me" starring two guys from the R&B group B2K, who previously had a hit with the movie "You Got Served" (which itself was hilariously sent up in the South Park episode "You Got F***** In The A**!"). Not much to say - it's a low budget torture-porn shocker, except the main characters are African American. An ear gets cut off, someone gets scalped, eyes, teeth and nails are pulled out....you get the picture. Some of the non-torture sequences (e.g. stalk scenes) are surprisingly suspenseful, which helped the film a bit. I'm just getting a little tired of many films' emphasis on drawn-out torture. What happened to a good ol' quick throat-slitting? Or a chop-chop-chop-and-it's-over beheading? They can have lots of the red stuff but don't dwell on the suffering. But I suppose that's the point - getting hacked up by a serial killer probably isn't quick and painless. And considering I love some of the earlier torture-porn flicks (while they were still relatively new), it's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. So I'll shut up.